Key Takeaways
Many constraints are chosen, not imposed: What we experience as external limitations are often the result of choices we've made but no longer recognize as choices.
The language of constraint masks our agency: When we say "I can't" or "I have to," we often mean "I choose not to accept the consequences of the alternatives."
Hard choices are still choices: Difficult decisions with significant trade-offs are precisely where our values matter most and our agency is most meaningful.
We can distinguish between different types of constraints: Some constraints cannot be changed, others could be changed with significant consequences, and many exist primarily in our minds.
Recognizing our choices transforms our psychological experience: When we acknowledge our role in creating our circumstances, we shift from feeling helpless to feeling empowered, reducing anxiety and increasing our sense of inner safety.
Value-aligned choices transform compromises: When we connect our choices to our deepest values, what might feel like painful sacrifices become meaningful compromises we can embrace.
One of the most profound limitations to our freedom isn't external constraint but our failure to see the choices available to us. We often feel trapped in situations where we actually have more options than we realize or where we've forgotten that our current circumstances were created through choices we made.
Consider someone who feels imprisoned in a job they dislike but believes they cannot leave because of their mortgage. "I have no choice," they might say. "I'm trapped by my financial obligations."
But when we look closer, choices reveal themselves. They could sell their home and downsize to something more affordable. They could rent out a room to generate additional income. They could renegotiate their work situation or retrain for a different career while maintaining their current position.
Or think about the person who feels trapped in a city they no longer enjoy because "all my family is here." When explored more deeply, this constraint often reveals itself as a choice. They're choosing (perhaps wisely) the richness of family connections over geographic adventure. The alternative exists—moving away while maintaining family relationships through visits and technology—but comes with trade-offs they've decided not to accept.
The point isn't that these choices are easy or without consequences. It's that they exist, even when we've become blind to them.
How We Naturalize Our Choices
Psychologists call this phenomenon "naturalization" – the process by which we transform choices into seemingly immutable facts. We say "I can't" when what we really mean is "I choose not to accept the consequences of the alternative."
This happens for understandable reasons:
Sunk cost bias: Having invested years in a career or relationship, we mentally remove the option of change to avoid confronting potential loss.
Fear of uncertainty: Known discomfort often feels safer than unknown possibilities, leading us to perceive familiar constraints as inevitable.
Identity protection: Acknowledging unexplored options might mean confronting the uncomfortable question: "Why have I accepted these limitations for so long?"
Societal narratives: Cultural stories about "the way life works" convince us that certain constraints are natural rather than constructed.
Responsibility avoidance: Claiming we're trapped allows us to blame external circumstances for our dissatisfaction rather than taking responsibility for the choices we've made. "I have to work this job" feels better than "I've chosen financial security over fulfillment." This externalization of responsibility serves as a powerful psychological defense mechanism. When we attribute our circumstances to external forces beyond our control, we protect ourselves from the discomfort of acknowledging that we actively participated in creating our current situation. It's easier to see ourselves as victims of circumstance than as authors of our own lives with the power to make different choices. Consider how often we hear (or say) phrases like:
"I can't pursue my passion because of my financial obligations" (rather than "I'm choosing financial security over pursuing my passion")
"I can't leave this relationship because of the children" (rather than "I'm choosing stability for my children over my personal happiness")
"I have to work overtime because my boss demands it" (rather than "I'm choosing job security over work-life balance")
Even more revealing is that these statements often serve as excuses that mask deeper, more uncomfortable truths we're reluctant to face. What we present as noble sacrifices or external impositions may actually be avoidance strategies:
"I can't leave this relationship because of the children" might really mean "I'm afraid of being alone" or "I'm uncertain if I can manage on my own"
"I have to work overtime because my boss demands it" might actually be "I'm using work to avoid difficulties in my personal relationships" or "I derive my self-worth primarily from professional achievement"
"I can't pursue my passion because of financial obligations" might mask "I'm afraid I might fail if I actually tried" or "I'm uncomfortable with the identity change this would require"
Each of these statements contains some truth, but frames the situation as a forced circumstance rather than a value-based choice with trade-offs we've decided to accept. This subtle linguistic shift from choice to obligation fundamentally alters how we experience our freedom.
The Psychological Cost of Denying Our Choices
When we fail to recognize the choices we've made, we often find ourselves in a peculiar psychological state - fighting against the very circumstances we've created. We feel like victims of our reality rather than its co-creators. This misperception has profound psychological consequences.
Research in cognitive psychology shows that perceiving events as outside our control leads to higher levels of stress, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness. When we believe we're trapped by external forces rather than acknowledging the role of our choices, we experience our lives as happening to us rather than being shaped by us.
Consider someone who feels "forced" to attend family gatherings they secretly dread. Each visit becomes a battleground of resentment, with the person simultaneously showing up physically while emotionally fighting against being there. The psychological tension creates significant distress - they feel powerless and controlled by external expectations.
Contrast this with someone who recognizes: "I'm choosing to attend these gatherings because I value family connection, even though they're sometimes difficult." This person experiences the same objective reality, but with a crucial difference - they recognize their agency in the situation. The gatherings might still be challenging, but the internal resistance dissolves.
When we acknowledge our role in creating our circumstances, something remarkable happens. Our sense of agency and inner power grows. This recognition doesn't mean we blame ourselves for difficult situations, but rather that we connect with our capacity to navigate and potentially change them.
This shift from victimhood to authorship creates what psychologists call an "internal locus of control" - the belief that we have meaningful influence over our lives. Research consistently shows that people with a stronger internal locus of control report:
Lower levels of anxiety and depression
Greater resilience during challenging times
Higher life satisfaction
More effective stress management
Stronger motivation to make positive changes
When we recognize our choices, we move from fighting the reality we've created to working with it intentionally. This doesn't mean our circumstances are always ideal, but it transforms our relationship to them. We feel safer internally because we're no longer at the mercy of a seemingly random, uncontrollable world - we're active participants in shaping our experience.
The freedom that comes from acknowledging our choices isn't just philosophical - it's deeply practical. It's the difference between feeling buffeted by forces beyond our control and standing firmly in our power to respond meaningfully to life's challenges.
The Freedom of Reclaiming Choice
There's a profound liberation in recognizing that many of our constraints are chosen, even if that choice wasn't fully conscious. This isn't about dismissing genuine limitations or suggesting that everyone can immediately transform difficult circumstances through positive thinking.
Rather, it's about the freedom that comes from honest discernment between different types of constraints in our lives:
Constraints We Cannot Currently Change
Some limitations are genuinely beyond our control. These include:
Physical laws and natural limitations: We cannot fly without equipment, breathe underwater without assistance, or immediately transform our physical capabilities.
Certain health conditions: While we have varying degrees of influence over our health, some conditions create genuine boundaries around what's possible in the moment.
Immutable past events: We cannot change what has already happened, though we can transform our relationship to these events.
Other people's autonomous choices: We cannot control others' decisions, though we can influence the dynamic and choose our response.
Acknowledging these true constraints isn't defeatist—it's clarifying. When we stop fighting against what truly cannot be changed, we redirect that energy toward areas where we do have agency.
Constraints We Could Change but with Significant Consequences
Many of life's most challenging constraints fall into this middle category. We could change them, but the consequences might be substantial:
Financial obligations: We could leave a well-paying job we dislike, but might face material hardship, impact on family, or depletion of savings.
Family responsibilities: We could reduce caregiving commitments, but at the cost of others' wellbeing or our relationship with them.
Geographic limitations: We could move anywhere, but might lose community connections, support systems, or cultural contexts that sustain us.
Educational or credentialing requirements: We could change careers without obtaining certain qualifications, but might face closed doors or severely limited opportunities.
The freedom here lies in recognizing these as choices with trade-offs rather than absolute barriers. Even if we choose to maintain these constraints, there's liberation in acknowledging: "I could do otherwise, but I'm choosing this path because I value X more than Y."
Hard choices are still choices. When we say "I have no choice" about these situations, we deny our agency and the values guiding our decisions. The difficulty of a choice doesn't negate its existence. In fact, it's precisely in these challenging decisions that our values and character are most clearly expressed.
These difficult trade-offs are where our values matter most. When we consciously recognize that we're making choices aligned with our deepest values, something remarkable happens: the negative aspects of the trade-off become significantly lighter to bear. What once felt like a painful sacrifice transforms into a meaningful compromise. There's a profound difference between "I have to sacrifice my career for my family" and "I'm choosing my family commitments over career advancement because my relationships matter deeply to me." The compromise remains, but its emotional weight transforms when we connect it to what we truly value.
The reality is almost always more complex than a simple binary between complete freedom and complete constraint. Most situations involve genuine limitations AND meaningful choices within those limitations. The liberation comes when we honestly acknowledge both the constraints AND our agency in navigating them.
Perceived Constraints That Exist Primarily in Our Minds
Perhaps the most limiting constraints are those that exist primarily in our perception:
Assumptions about our capabilities: "I'm not creative/technical/outgoing enough to..." or "Someone like me couldn't possibly..."
Internalized societal expectations: Unexamined beliefs about what success, happiness, or proper behavior should look like.
Fear-based limitations: Avoidance of possibilities due to anticipated judgment, failure, or discomfort.
Identity constraints: Reluctance to explore options that don't align with our current self-concept or narrative.
Absolutist thinking: Seeing situations in all-or-nothing terms that eliminate middle paths and creative alternatives.
These mental constraints often operate outside our awareness, yet they may restrict our choices more powerfully than external factors. They create invisible walls that limit what we even consider possible.
The most profound freedom often comes from recognizing these perceived constraints. When we realize a limitation exists primarily in our thinking, new possibilities emerge without requiring external circumstances to change at all.
Consider this woman who had spent fifteen years feeling trapped in her city because of her husband's job. When her marriage ended, she initially experienced panic along with grief. "I've built my whole life around his career – now what?" But gradually, she began to recognize how she had participated in constructing her own cage. No one had forced her to subordinate her desires to his career. It was a choice made daily, often unconsciously, reinforced by small decisions that accumulated over time.
This recognition didn't erase her grief, but it transformed how she approached her future. "I'm making different choices now, and I'm making them consciously."
Practicing Choice Awareness
To expand our freedom through greater awareness of our choices:
Question "I can't" statements: When you hear yourself say "I can't," ask "What would happen if I did?" This reveals whether you're facing a true impossibility or a choice with consequences you've decided not to accept.
Begin with an unconstrained vision: When facing a difficult decision, first ask yourself: "What would I choose if I had unlimited financial means and everyone would be happy with my decision?" This thought experiment helps separate your authentic desires from perceived constraints. Then gradually add back real-life limitations, examining each one to determine if it's truly immovable or simply a factor to be considered and potentially worked around. This process prevents constraints from automatically eliminating possibilities before you've even explored them.
Clarify your values and develop your inner compass: Freedom of choice becomes meaningful when guided by a clear understanding of what matters most to you. Regular reflection on your core values helps you discern which constraints serve your deeper purpose and which are merely habitual limitations. This inner compass becomes especially crucial when facing difficult trade-offs, as it helps you recognize which compromises align with who you truly are.
Engage in inner work and emotional healing: Many of our perceived constraints stem from protective patterns developed in response to past wounds. By healing these emotional injuries and expanding our capacity for regulation, we remove internal barriers to choice. This might involve therapy, mindfulness practices, somatic work, or other approaches that help us identify and address the unconscious fears and beliefs limiting our perception of possibilities.
Identify your authentic needs and boundaries: Distinguish between actual needs and habitual wants or societal expectations. When we clearly understand our true needs and healthy boundaries, we can make choices that honor them rather than react from ingrained patterns. This clarity prevents us from using perceived needs ("I need everyone's approval") as invisible constraints on our freedom.
Conduct a "choice inventory": Periodically examine the major constraints in your life and ask how many resulted from choices, even if those choices weren't fully conscious at the time.
Explore the edges: Even within genuine constraints, there are often degrees of freedom we don't explore. What small choices remain available within your current limitations?
Practice conscious constraint: Paradoxically, freedom expands when we recognize that even our limitations can be chosen. Choose consciously which constraints serve your deeper values.
The awareness that many of our constraints are chosen—and could potentially be unchosen—doesn't suggest we should immediately dismantle the structures of our lives. Some constraints we've chosen actually serve our deeper values and commitments. The freedom comes in recognizing they are choices rather than immutable facts, that alternatives exist, and that we can periodically reassess whether these choices still align with who we are becoming.
An unexpected benefit of developing choice awareness is enhanced negotiation skills. As you become more attuned to the choices available within seemingly fixed situations, you naturally become better at finding creative solutions with others. Instead of accepting circumstances as immutable ("This is just how things are"), you can more effectively collaborate with partners, family members, colleagues, and institutions to create arrangements that better serve everyone involved. Your freedom expands beyond individual choices to include reshaping your relationships and environments.
True freedom isn't about absence of constraint, but about living in conscious relationship with the choices that create our lives—recognizing both their power and their malleability.
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